Hello. My name is Crystal, and I am a wallflower. I am wallpaper. Clever people have asked me if I’m “getting tired holding up that wall” on so many occasions that I’m starting to suspect that none of them are actually clever at all.
As we all know, the internet is a place where even the most timid among us can stand up and share their views in complete anonymity. The computer screen protects us. The internet isn’t real life. All of us intelligent, savvy wallflowers can finally express ourselves without fear of rejection!
The internet is real life. And it is full of rejection. Those are real, live people on the other side of your screen, and if you’re good at marketing (which I’m not, so I don’t know why I worry), they are reading what you’re writing.
Anonymous posting may make it easier for web surfers to post scathing comments on JustJared.com, but writers don’t get the same warm, secure blanket of anonymity. When you’re building a writing platform, you want people to know who you are. You are cultivating a brand for yourself—as cheesy and marketing-y as that sounds–and for many writers, that brand has your face stamped all over it.
If you’re like me, and your wallflowering is so deeply ingrained that you feel awkward even making small talk with your cashier at Trader Joe’s, then I’m sure you can relate to my struggle.
Every personal blog I’ve ever created, I’ve destroyed. I’ll post seven or eight posts and then read back over them one night, shaking my head and bemoaning my dorkdom. Did I really write that? Do I really want that on the internet for forever? The answer is always no.
The sad part–feel free to cry–is that I actually like blogging. Journaling (my spell check says that’s not a word, I disagree) used to be a huge part of my life, and I miss it.
So this blog will not be deleted. This blog is going to stay up, whether or not my posts devolve into late night rambles about zombies. That really happened in my last blog. My husband was sick and I went to get medicine for him in the middle of the night—you now what? That’s a story for another day. If you’re lucky. Cliffhanger!
So what nugget of wisdom is buried down here at the bottom of this blog entry? There isn’t one. I’ve just decided that if people are reading my blog, it’s because they want to. Whatever reason they have for wanting to read it is their own business. My only business is to try to entertain them while they’re reading. Or to pretend they don’t exist and try to entertain myself.
My anxiety tends to control various parts of my life at various times, but this blog is going to be an anxiety-free zone. At least until I get all anxious and decide that everyone I’ve ever met is laughing about my blog posts in a secret Chatzy room.
Then I’ll probably just delete it.